Why Me?

I've asked this question a million times. I never get an answer but its always in the back of my mind. I know some people that have never had any problems with their periods and whatnot and can't help but feel a little jealous. I've never know what a "NORMAL" period feels like. For as long as I can remember I've always had problems. I can remember laying in bed as a teenager crying because the pain was so bad that sitting, laying, walking, anything was painful. My mother thought I was just be dramatic and I believe that a lot of people thought the same thing. I missed school all the time because of this, I mean I almost didn't get credit for my first semester of high school because I had missed so many days, the majority of them from being in pain. Why couldn't I have been one of the ones that knew when it was coming, would only last for a few days and not have any problems? Why did I have to be the one that never knew when it would happen, last forever and feel like I was dying every day that it was around? Guess it just wasn't in my cards. The other why me question is why am I infertile? Aside from my sister, no one else in my family has had problems. Every other person in my family is fertile and they pop out kids like they are going out of style. And I know for sure that most of them shouldn't have had kids but thats a whole other story!! These same people have kids that they don't have contact with or see and talk to them rarely, I really don't believe thats how a parent should act. Now I was never the girl that dreamed of having kids and raising a huge family until I was told that it might not happen. Even when Tracy and I were planning our future together when I was 18, I felt a sense that it just wasn't going to be for me when the topic of kids came up, of everything we discussed, that was the one topic we couldn't agree on. Might have been a blessing that things didn't work between us, he's now happily married with 2 boys, something he may never have had if he had stayed with me.

I firmly believe that any desire to have my own kids had everything to do with society pressures and the old saying "You always want what you can't have!"

Society pressures: There is a song out right now and the opening line is "If you don't have 2 kids by the time your 21 your probably gonna die alone, at least thats what tradition told you" and honestly thats exactly what the pressure feels like. I'm not wanting to take anything away from people that have found their happily ever after but seriously, its not for everyone. I opted not to go to my high school reunion because I honestly felt like a failure as a woman. Seeing as how most of my class has settled down and is having kids, I felt like the odd man out. I think society still expects the woman to get married ASAP and start building a family and if you don't, then you have failed. Not everyone is made for this path and society tends to frown upon that in general. The perfect example of this, anytime I see someone I haven't seen in awhile, the first questions are "Are you married? Have any kids?" Why can't they ask "So hows life treating you?" Seeming as how I'm forever single, these questions really feel like salt being poured into an open wound and it really gets old since I always have the same answer, "No I'm not married and I don't have kids." This answer isn't likely to change in the near future.

Wanting what you can't have: I clearly remember when I went in for my checkup after my surgery and the doctor telling me the diagnosis and telling me that biological kids might not be in my future I felt like I was being robbed. What was I being robbed of? I mean I never really wanted kids but that was my decision and now your telling me that its not my decision but its a decision that my body has made for me, are you serious? From that moment on, I wanted kids and was devestated by that (only now do I see how crazy this is). Then it seemed like everyone around me was having babies, babies were every where! Family members, friends, co-workers, babies were all over the place and by golly I wanted one. The ultimate blow was when someone close told me she was having an abortion because she didn't think she could stay off the drugs long enough to have a baby. Seriously, your going to sit there and tell me, the girl who can't have kids, that your having an abortion because you screwed around and got knocked up because your an idiot. I was livid. I couldn't see how someone could be so insensitive to what I was going through and telling me that they were having an abortion. I begged this person to give the baby a chance and place it up for adoption but that wasn't to be. It saddens me to know that someone can't see what a miracle a baby is. I know I joke around a lot about kids but its always been a way to hide the pain from learning that it may not happen for me because at the time I felt like I wanted one!

It took me awhile to come to my senses and realize that biological kids weren't in my future. I say biological because I fully believe that one day I will have kids, one way or another, kids will be in my future. People tell me all the time, oh I had the same problem and look I've had 2 kids, it will happen just give it time. Well, that may have been true for them and it will be true for me, however, you don't have to give birth to a child to be a mom. I'm fully aware that there are other ways to have a biological baby. I could spend thousands of dollars on IVF or even consider a surrogate, but the realistic side of me gets the better of me and knows that there is no guarantee that this will ever work for me. My AMH levels aren't that high and the older I get, the less likely my chances are. I just can't see spending all that money on something that may or may not happen. I know it can work because baby Cooper was a miracle for my sister and when I say miracle, thats exactly what I mean, Coop was a miracle, but I'm not willing to take that chance. There are children all over the world that need a loving home and someone to take care of them and when the time is right and I fully believe that the good Lord will let me know when that time is, I'll open my heart and home to a child in need of love. No that child won't be biologically mine, but he/she will be mine none the less. Biology doesn't make a family and I won't let biology ruin my future!