I've asked this question a million times. I never get an answer but its always in the back of my mind. I know some people that have never had any problems with their periods and whatnot and can't help but feel a little jealous. I've never know what a "NORMAL" period feels like. For as long as I can remember I've always had problems. I can remember laying in bed as a teenager crying because the pain was so bad that sitting, laying, walking, anything was painful. My mother thought I was just be dramatic and I believe that a lot of people thought the same thing. I missed school all the time because of this, I mean I almost didn't get credit for my first semester of high school because I had missed so many days, the majority of them from being in pain. Why couldn't I have been one of the ones that knew when it was coming, would only last for a few days and not have any problems? Why did I have to be the one that never knew when it would happen, last forever and feel like I was dying every day that it was around? Guess it just wasn't in my cards. The other why me question is why am I infertile? Aside from my sister, no one else in my family has had problems. Every other person in my family is fertile and they pop out kids like they are going out of style. And I know for sure that most of them shouldn't have had kids but thats a whole other story!! These same people have kids that they don't have contact with or see and talk to them rarely, I really don't believe thats how a parent should act. Now I was never the girl that dreamed of having kids and raising a huge family until I was told that it might not happen. Even when Tracy and I were planning our future together when I was 18, I felt a sense that it just wasn't going to be for me when the topic of kids came up, of everything we discussed, that was the one topic we couldn't agree on. Might have been a blessing that things didn't work between us, he's now happily married with 2 boys, something he may never have had if he had stayed with me.
I firmly believe that any desire to have my own kids had everything to do with society pressures and the old saying "You always want what you can't have!"
Society pressures: There is a song out right now and the opening line is "If you don't have 2 kids by the time your 21 your probably gonna die alone, at least thats what tradition told you" and honestly thats exactly what the pressure feels like. I'm not wanting to take anything away from people that have found their happily ever after but seriously, its not for everyone. I opted not to go to my high school reunion because I honestly felt like a failure as a woman. Seeing as how most of my class has settled down and is having kids, I felt like the odd man out. I think society still expects the woman to get married ASAP and start building a family and if you don't, then you have failed. Not everyone is made for this path and society tends to frown upon that in general. The perfect example of this, anytime I see someone I haven't seen in awhile, the first questions are "Are you married? Have any kids?" Why can't they ask "So hows life treating you?" Seeming as how I'm forever single, these questions really feel like salt being poured into an open wound and it really gets old since I always have the same answer, "No I'm not married and I don't have kids." This answer isn't likely to change in the near future.
Wanting what you can't have: I clearly remember when I went in for my checkup after my surgery and the doctor telling me the diagnosis and telling me that biological kids might not be in my future I felt like I was being robbed. What was I being robbed of? I mean I never really wanted kids but that was my decision and now your telling me that its not my decision but its a decision that my body has made for me, are you serious? From that moment on, I wanted kids and was devestated by that (only now do I see how crazy this is). Then it seemed like everyone around me was having babies, babies were every where! Family members, friends, co-workers, babies were all over the place and by golly I wanted one. The ultimate blow was when someone close told me she was having an abortion because she didn't think she could stay off the drugs long enough to have a baby. Seriously, your going to sit there and tell me, the girl who can't have kids, that your having an abortion because you screwed around and got knocked up because your an idiot. I was livid. I couldn't see how someone could be so insensitive to what I was going through and telling me that they were having an abortion. I begged this person to give the baby a chance and place it up for adoption but that wasn't to be. It saddens me to know that someone can't see what a miracle a baby is. I know I joke around a lot about kids but its always been a way to hide the pain from learning that it may not happen for me because at the time I felt like I wanted one!
It took me awhile to come to my senses and realize that biological kids weren't in my future. I say biological because I fully believe that one day I will have kids, one way or another, kids will be in my future. People tell me all the time, oh I had the same problem and look I've had 2 kids, it will happen just give it time. Well, that may have been true for them and it will be true for me, however, you don't have to give birth to a child to be a mom. I'm fully aware that there are other ways to have a biological baby. I could spend thousands of dollars on IVF or even consider a surrogate, but the realistic side of me gets the better of me and knows that there is no guarantee that this will ever work for me. My AMH levels aren't that high and the older I get, the less likely my chances are. I just can't see spending all that money on something that may or may not happen. I know it can work because baby Cooper was a miracle for my sister and when I say miracle, thats exactly what I mean, Coop was a miracle, but I'm not willing to take that chance. There are children all over the world that need a loving home and someone to take care of them and when the time is right and I fully believe that the good Lord will let me know when that time is, I'll open my heart and home to a child in need of love. No that child won't be biologically mine, but he/she will be mine none the less. Biology doesn't make a family and I won't let biology ruin my future!
Friday, January 25, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
In The Beginning
If your reading this, then for the most part you are fully aware of my journey thus far. Everyone knows about the endometriosis and PCOS and the problems that come from these horrible conditions. For those that may not know what either of them are here is a brief explanation:
Endometriosis: abnormal growth of cells (endometrial cells) similar to those that form the inside of the uterus, but in a location outside of the uterus. Endometrial cells are cells that are shed each month during menstruation. The cells of endometriosis attach themselves to tissue outside the uterus and are called endometriosis implants. These implants are most commonly found on the ovaries, the Fallopian tubes, outer surfaces of the uterus or intestines, and on the surface lining of the pelvic cavity. They can also be found in the vagina, cervix, and bladder, although less commonly than other locations in the pelvis. Rarely, endometriosis implants can occur outside the pelvis, on the liver, in old surgery scars, and even in or around the lung or brain. Endometrial implants, while they can cause problems, are benign (not cancerous).
PCOS (poly-cystic ovary syndrome): is a problem in which a woman’s hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. PCOS may also cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it is not treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease.
At the age of 24 I was diagnosed with both endo and PCOS. My sister had been diagnosed before me and in all honestly I never thought that I would have the same problem. I mean I have had female problems for as long as I can remember but my symptoms were not the same as hers so I just assumed that it was some freak thing that she got, then to my horror, the doctor told me that I had been given the same horrible curse as her, however, I will say, hers is much worse than mine and how she's dealt with it for so long I'll never understand. My pain tolerance is not that strong and I'm a huge wimp when it comes to dealing with everything that comes with the endo and the pcos. Diagnosis came after my first surgery and within a month I was put on Lupron. Lupron shuts your system down and throws you into menopause. I've always heard the older ladies complaining about hot flashes and night sweats and really thought that they were just crazy. I never imagined that your body could go from normal temps to being so hot that you think you need to go jump in a pool to get relief! Then I got my first hot flash. It was CRAZY! With menopause you get hot flashes, night sweats, attitude problems and for me, insomnia. Six months of HELL. I really don't know how to explain it other than saying it was hell. My sister warned me but you can't really prepare for dealing with it because you never know how your body is going to react to the medicine. I was a bitch, I was uncomfortable and just plain miserable the entire time I was on the meds. Never in a million years did I think I would be 24 and dealing with menopause. Fast forward 2 years and once again I was back in it. The meds worked for some time, but after about 2 years the endo was back with vengence. I missed a week of work and was absolutely miserable. I spent most of the time crying or sleeping. I found a new doctor and set out to have another surgery hoping to get some relief. About six months after my surgery, I went on the Lupron yet again and was facing my second battle with menopause at the young age of 26. This held out till I was 28 and by then it was time to have yet another surgery to remove any new growth. I was 29 when I had this surgery and relief wasn't to be found this time. My recover from the surgery was fast but the pain from the endo never went away. The doctor fully believed that the endo had moved into my uterus muscle and she was finally at a loss for what to do. She sent me to a fertility doctor who wanted to do an expieremental surgery that wouldn't guarantee any relief and could cause more complications in the future. So here I am at age 30 and I'm now getting ready to have a hysterectomy. This is where my true journey is going to start.
I begged my doctor to just remove everything when I was 26 and she refused, said I was to young and since I hadn't had kids yet there was no way in the world she would give me what I wanted. Well now, she's told me that its time to start thinking about having one done. I informed her today of my decision and will now start the process of getting what I hope to consider my final surgery with her underway. Everyone has a path for their life and this is mine. I'm now 30, still don't have kids and will never have any biological kids to call my own. However, if there is one thing I have learned in my life, blood is not always thicker than water and just because you share blood doesn't mean your a family. My sister was adopted as a baby and I have seen what a loving adoptive family can do for a child. That being said, having my own kids isn't a concern for me. My concern is not living my life like I should and being in constant pain puts me in a position to not have the life I want. I know I'm going to hear people say that I'm making the wrong decision and the only thing I can say is this, those who feel that way haven't spent a day in my shoes. When your curled up in a ball crying your eyes out because the pain pills and the heating pads aren't working then you can make your comments, until then, don't tell me I'm making the wrong decision. This isn't a decision that came lightly. I didn't just wake up this morning and think, oh hey, I think I'll have a hysterectomy tomorrow. This decision has come from the 15 plus years of living in pain, the millions of tears that I have shed and the ungawdly amount of money I have spent on ultrasounds, surgeries, birth control pills, Lurpon, pain pills, heating pads and everything else just to survive.
This is a journey that no woman should have to make at such a young age. I'm going to try to go through the changes that are coming with as much dignity as I can and just keep praying. I've always heard God never gives you more than you can handle so I'm going into this with as much faith as I can. God has a path for me and this is just the beginning!!
Endometriosis: abnormal growth of cells (endometrial cells) similar to those that form the inside of the uterus, but in a location outside of the uterus. Endometrial cells are cells that are shed each month during menstruation. The cells of endometriosis attach themselves to tissue outside the uterus and are called endometriosis implants. These implants are most commonly found on the ovaries, the Fallopian tubes, outer surfaces of the uterus or intestines, and on the surface lining of the pelvic cavity. They can also be found in the vagina, cervix, and bladder, although less commonly than other locations in the pelvis. Rarely, endometriosis implants can occur outside the pelvis, on the liver, in old surgery scars, and even in or around the lung or brain. Endometrial implants, while they can cause problems, are benign (not cancerous).
PCOS (poly-cystic ovary syndrome): is a problem in which a woman’s hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. PCOS may also cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it is not treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease.
At the age of 24 I was diagnosed with both endo and PCOS. My sister had been diagnosed before me and in all honestly I never thought that I would have the same problem. I mean I have had female problems for as long as I can remember but my symptoms were not the same as hers so I just assumed that it was some freak thing that she got, then to my horror, the doctor told me that I had been given the same horrible curse as her, however, I will say, hers is much worse than mine and how she's dealt with it for so long I'll never understand. My pain tolerance is not that strong and I'm a huge wimp when it comes to dealing with everything that comes with the endo and the pcos. Diagnosis came after my first surgery and within a month I was put on Lupron. Lupron shuts your system down and throws you into menopause. I've always heard the older ladies complaining about hot flashes and night sweats and really thought that they were just crazy. I never imagined that your body could go from normal temps to being so hot that you think you need to go jump in a pool to get relief! Then I got my first hot flash. It was CRAZY! With menopause you get hot flashes, night sweats, attitude problems and for me, insomnia. Six months of HELL. I really don't know how to explain it other than saying it was hell. My sister warned me but you can't really prepare for dealing with it because you never know how your body is going to react to the medicine. I was a bitch, I was uncomfortable and just plain miserable the entire time I was on the meds. Never in a million years did I think I would be 24 and dealing with menopause. Fast forward 2 years and once again I was back in it. The meds worked for some time, but after about 2 years the endo was back with vengence. I missed a week of work and was absolutely miserable. I spent most of the time crying or sleeping. I found a new doctor and set out to have another surgery hoping to get some relief. About six months after my surgery, I went on the Lupron yet again and was facing my second battle with menopause at the young age of 26. This held out till I was 28 and by then it was time to have yet another surgery to remove any new growth. I was 29 when I had this surgery and relief wasn't to be found this time. My recover from the surgery was fast but the pain from the endo never went away. The doctor fully believed that the endo had moved into my uterus muscle and she was finally at a loss for what to do. She sent me to a fertility doctor who wanted to do an expieremental surgery that wouldn't guarantee any relief and could cause more complications in the future. So here I am at age 30 and I'm now getting ready to have a hysterectomy. This is where my true journey is going to start.
I begged my doctor to just remove everything when I was 26 and she refused, said I was to young and since I hadn't had kids yet there was no way in the world she would give me what I wanted. Well now, she's told me that its time to start thinking about having one done. I informed her today of my decision and will now start the process of getting what I hope to consider my final surgery with her underway. Everyone has a path for their life and this is mine. I'm now 30, still don't have kids and will never have any biological kids to call my own. However, if there is one thing I have learned in my life, blood is not always thicker than water and just because you share blood doesn't mean your a family. My sister was adopted as a baby and I have seen what a loving adoptive family can do for a child. That being said, having my own kids isn't a concern for me. My concern is not living my life like I should and being in constant pain puts me in a position to not have the life I want. I know I'm going to hear people say that I'm making the wrong decision and the only thing I can say is this, those who feel that way haven't spent a day in my shoes. When your curled up in a ball crying your eyes out because the pain pills and the heating pads aren't working then you can make your comments, until then, don't tell me I'm making the wrong decision. This isn't a decision that came lightly. I didn't just wake up this morning and think, oh hey, I think I'll have a hysterectomy tomorrow. This decision has come from the 15 plus years of living in pain, the millions of tears that I have shed and the ungawdly amount of money I have spent on ultrasounds, surgeries, birth control pills, Lurpon, pain pills, heating pads and everything else just to survive.
This is a journey that no woman should have to make at such a young age. I'm going to try to go through the changes that are coming with as much dignity as I can and just keep praying. I've always heard God never gives you more than you can handle so I'm going into this with as much faith as I can. God has a path for me and this is just the beginning!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)