Late last year my grandmother decided she wanted to get some things checked out so I spent some time running her to doctors to see what was going on with her. She wasn't feeling like herself and had noticed some things so it was time to get everything checked out. One doctor visit told us that she had a spot on her liver and knowing that she had never been a drinker we were a tad worried. We stopped seeing the Dr that found the spot and made an appointment with her oncologist. Back in 2013 my grandmother had been told that she had a lung cancer and had surgery to remove the lower lobe of her left lung. She had a couple follow up appointments with the oncologist and stopped going. Fast forward 3 years and we were getting ready to make a new appointment to talk about the spot on her liver.
My grandmother is by far my best friend. I tell her everything and she turns to me when things get sketchy. She told me that she thought her cancer was back and she wasn't sure how it was going to go, but she knew deep down that it wasn't going to be good. I sat on that information for awhile. She didn't want to alarm anyone in the family until we had all the information. I remember telling my best friend the weekend before the appointment to throw some extra prayers in because we knew it wasn't going to be good news. My grandmother let me tell my cousin to be prepared for bad news and we all waited for the Dr appointment to arrive.
Valentines Day, a day I absolutely dread for many reasons. I detest that day, hate it really. And February 14, 2017 proved to be no different. We arrived for her doctors appointment preparing for bad news but we were still optimistic that things might go in our favor. I remember when the doctor came in and told us that the cancer had returned. I sat there shocked, it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I looked at Nanny and knew that her faith wouldn't let her down and that we would somehow get through this. Most people know that you can remove parts of the liver and live perfectly fine. I had told Nanny on the drive to the doctor office that I would give her part of my liver if I needed to and I absolutely would have done it, no questions asked. We looked at the doctor and asked when we could schedule surgery and he looked at us and point blank said that there wasn't going to be much we could do. Her cancer came back with a vengeance and we were now staring down a horrible battle.
I've cried on my grandmothers shoulder numerous times in my lifetime and I have seen her cry very few times. She has always been the rock in our family and the one that everyone turns to when things get rough. When the doctor told us that my grandmother had Stage 4 cancer I saw my grandmother at the weakest I had ever seen her. The tears that flowed out of her eyes were completely heartbreaking. That's not an image I will ever get out of my mind. My grandmother was just told that without proper treatment she would be gone in 3 months. How does one person cope when they are told that all of a sudden their expiration date has been set? I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream and yell and cuss and cause a scene because I wasn't ready for my grandmother to be gone. She is too young. She is a fighter. She is my rock. She is our families rock. She can't go. A few tears slipped out but sitting there seeing my grandmother break down made me hold everything in and be strong for the one person that has ALWAYS been the strong one for me.
I asked the doctor some very important questions and got all the answers I needed at the moment. We were told that without proper treatment her life expectancy was 3 months, if she qualified for the medicine he was suggesting, she could get an extra 19-20 months. We prayed right then and there that the good Lord above would make sure that she qualified for the good medicine so that we could get extra time. We set up an appointment to get everything tested and get everything rolling. Leaving the office and making the drive home to tell her husband, my Papa, what the doctor said was horrible. That 45 minute drive was the longest driver I have ever made. I immediately took time off of work and set out to get things taken care of that my grandmother so desperately wanted to get handled quickly.
We got back to her house and set my grandfather down and told him what the Dr had said. He didn't take it well. It wasn't something he wanted to hear. We decided right then and there that I would take the week off and help them get things settled as there was a lot that needed to be done. Phone calls that needed to be made, arrangements taken care of, documents files, you name it. We had a lot that needed to be done.
I went home that night to try to figure out what was going on. I needed to process everything the Dr told me and I needed to do it alone. I remember calling different people and giving them the news because Nanny didn't want to talk to anyone that day and who could blame her. I called a list of people she wanted me to and the last call I made was to my best friend Christina. That was by far the hardest call I had to make. I knew that my weakness would come out and I knew that she was the only person that would understand what I was feeling. She was going through the horrible cancer deal with her dad and how she was able to always be so strong I will never understand. Her family absolutely adores my grandparents and treat them as their own. They have come down here to help mow the yard, spend time with them, play games, go hunting and fishing and just spend quality time with them. Telling her that Nanny had cancer was gut wrenching. I didn't cry like I thought I would. I had some tears come out but not the gut wrenching cry that I thought I would have, that would come later. She was able to talk to me and keep me calm enough that I was able to make it home and get some sleep before I had to drive back down there and face everything head on.
The next day I woke up early and got around to get back down to the lake and to get the ball rolling on what needed to be done. The hardest phone call I had to make that day was to the funeral home. Nanny has always told me what she wants done and I had the chore of making sure that everything was written down with the funeral home. That is by far not an easy call to make. I hated it, hated every minute of it. I don't want to think of a world where my grandmother isn't around, let alone have to call a funeral home and get her funeral lined out. But because I love her and respect her, that is exactly what I did.
The next few days are all kind of a blur. We had many calls to make, many people to talk to, many many things to work out. It seems like a never ending list when you stop and think about everything that needs to be taken care of. We had a couple weeks to go before we could get the biopsy and results done and we realized how horrible we are playing the waiting game. When we finally got all the news we were waiting on we became hopeful. My grandmother luckily qualified for a new medicine and we couldn't thank the Good Lord enough! Her oncologist told us that out of 61 patients he has tested, she is the first one that met all the requirements for the meds! We were hopeful! We have God on our side and my grandmother is a fighter, she will not go down without a fight!!
My grandmother has been so brave during all of this. She is fighting for her life but she isn't letting it get her down. I've seen her break down and cry and give up a couple times and when she did that I lost it. To see my grandmother questing if the fight was worth it and questioning why she was here broke me, I lost it and I cried. I finally let the tears come and I cried, and cried a lot. Its hard to see your grandmother break and feel so helpless. I can't do anything for her. I can sit by and hold her hand and be there for her and I can pray, but I can't heal her, only the Man upstairs can do that. I have to put my feelings aside and be strong for her and be the rock she needs me to be.
So far we have been really blessed. We are leaning towards her being a MIRACLE! She has done so well on the medicine that the doctor gave her and he is absolutely astonished at how well she is doing! He told her that her masses are shrinking and that she is doing better than anyone thought possible. We are at the 9 month mark and she is going strong!! She now only sees the doctor once every other month and she just keeps trucking along! She really is a miracle in our eyes and God has blessed us beyond belief with the time He has given us. Its not her time to go Home, she still has a lot to do here on Earth!!
Someone asked me how I was able to be strong through all of this and honestly, God is the only way. I know deep down, that when my grandmother loses her battle, she will be going Home and she won't hurt any longer. I know that she will be with the Lord and that is the one thing that will make her completely and 100% happy. I can't be sad about that! She will be where she wants to be, she will be Home! I will miss her more than ever and will cry and cry and cry some more. She is my best friend. She is my grandmother. She is my role model. She is the woman I strive to be. She is amazing in so many ways. But, we are all human and will have to go Home at some point.
