When I was a kid I had my whole life planned out. Somewhere along the way my life didn't turn out the way the I thought it would. In my mind, I would meet the guy I was gonna marry when I was 23, be married by 27 and if kids were to be, then I would have them before I was 30. In reality, I'm 30, forever single and trying to face the fact that I will never have kids. There have been so many things running through my head this last month or so that has caused many sleepless nights and has me questioning everything.
Infertility isn't talked about. Its kinda like the elephant in the room and no one wants to discuss it. No one stops to think how someone feels when they receive a baby shower announcement in the mail, hears a friend say they are expecting or what its like to sit in a waiting room in the doctors office with pregnant women all around. I always put a smile on my face when I hear a friend say they are expecting but deep inside its absolutely killing me. Knowing that so many people can get pregnant and not think twice about it is devestating. I always dread going to the doctor because 9 times out of 10, they put me in the exam room that is right next to the ultrasound room and all I can hear is a babys heart beating. I want to be happy and excited when I hear all these things but it just breaks my heart. Even when my sister told me she was pregnant there was a bit of jealousy in me, sad I know. One emotion I didn't count on when I was preparing for this surgery was the sense of lose. I have a bit of mourning that I am dealing with and I don't know if anyone can understand it. Its the lose of knowing that I'll never have the excitment of looking at a pregnancy test and seeing a positive sign, the lose of knowing that I'll never feel what a baby's kick is like, the lose of knowing that I'll never have the excitment of seeing my baby on an ultrasound screen and the lose of never knowing what its like to be able to tell someone that I'm having a baby. I have failed at so many things in my lifetime and now I'm failing at the ultimate thing every woman is put here to do, have a child.
I can sit here and say that I've accepted the hand that I've been dealt and on most days I'm fine, however, there are some days that it just kills me. My emotions are completely out of whack right now and will not be stable anytime in the near future. I feel sorry for everyone that is going to have to deal with me after my surgery.
The one thing that scares me the most is the not knowing. I have no idea how anything is going to turn out, and for me, that isn't good. I'm a planner and a thinker (although that does get me in trouble sometimes) and now I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of a gun and have no idea what the future is going to hold. My biggest fear is that I'm not going to feel like a woman anymore. Growing up I was the tomboy in my family and now that I am a woman and finally feel like one, I'm going to lose that. Everything that I love I'm going to lose. How do you come to terms with that? I'm scared of what the long term effects will be from being put on hormones at such a young age and I'm scared because I know this surgery is not a cure all for me. I know that there is a chance that the endo can remain and that there could be more surgeries in my future. WebMD is not a friendly website. I know they probably meant well when they set that website up, but all it does is cause stress and worry for people. I've read some horrible stories about women that elected to have a hyster and then things just went downhill for them. One lady has had 9 surgeries in the 6 years since her hyster, 9 SURGERIES, holy canolie, who can do that? I'm down right terrified that that will be my case. I mean seriously, if something could go wrong, it will with me. My body has never responded to things the way that it should so why would it this time?
I sit here and wonder about all of these things but I know deep down that I'm making the right decision. I can't live my life in pain anymore because at some point I have to start living the life I was meant to have, not the life that I have on pain pills and heating pads. Quality of life has to come into play at some point. This next month is going to be the hardest month I've ever had to face and is going to be very emotional for me. The closer my surgery date gets, the more I start freaking out. I knew going into this that there were going to be days that I would second guess my decision but I didn't realize that I would have this many days. I fully believe that this is my path in life, but there is still a part of me that thinks WHAT IF, but one thing I've always said, you can't live your life thinking about the what ifs, you won't get anywhere thinking that way. So I'll sit here and cry and feel sorry for myself on the days I need to and I'll suck it up like I have so many times before and just carry on. I just hope and pray that when the time comes when being around a baby or baby related things, that my friends and family will understand. Its not that I'm not happy for you and yours, but just remember that I'm still in mourning and don't know how long it will take for me to be ok to be around that.
